


"Joker Fucked Sojiro's Daughter!"

by BoydTheReaver



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: 22 Jump Street - Freeform, Alternate Name, Crack, F/M, Humor, This Is STUPID, accidently called shinobu akira a few times, based off a dank youtube video, brb while i commit seppuku, you probably know what it is...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-22
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-11-17 08:58:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11272200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BoydTheReaver/pseuds/BoydTheReaver
Summary: “I, um… think it’s bizarre that she came up to my attic so we could-”“...I think it’s bizarre I haven’t chopped your motherfucking nuts off.”~Shinobu Hattori gets far over his head when Sojiro catches wind of the...steamierbits of his relationship with Futaba. Meanwhile, Ryuji proves indefinitely that he's the world's worst wingman.





	"Joker Fucked Sojiro's Daughter!"

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so there exists a “Joker Fucked the Prosecutor’s Sister!” adaptation, but not a “Joker Fucked Sojiro’s Daughter!” adaptation?! Time for me to shine, baby!
> 
> Actually, this fanfic more-or-less came out as a way to pass the time on a long-ass train ride as well as show all of my fans that I’m not dead in regards to the Spanish vacation. Heck, I was fully anticipating that I wouldn’t be able to go on the internet in Spain, but isn’t the wonders of free hotel internet beautiful? XD
> 
> Either way, I hope you enjoy. And for those curious, this is the video which the fanfic was inspired by: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lZmZFAAHelQ>

Shinobu Hattori always dreaded the day this would happen. His romantic relationship with Futaba Sakura has always been a loving one, but one that was _quite_ familiar with intimacy and love-making. He knew his escapades with Futaba would come back to bite him on the ass _one_ day. But nothing in his six-month long career as a Phantom Thief could prepare him for this.

Mostly, anyways. He still brought himself a kevlar vest as he sat next to Futaba and Ryuji, the latter having been Shinobu’s wingman. And given the fact that Shinobu was sitting in front of a angry-as-hell Sojiro, at least _some_ protection would be necessary.

“Dude,” Ryuji said with surprise. “Are you wearin’ Kevlar…?!”

“Now, gentlemen… and ladies.”

Shinobu, Ryuji and Futaba all turned to Sojiro, who looked utterly _furious_ to the bespectacled delinquent. “We’re _not_ going to sit here, and _pretend_ there isn’t some big-ass elephant in the room.”

“Woah, woah, wait a minute,” Ryuji interrupted the infuriated Sojiro, a move that Shinobu considering a death sentence in this household. “What the eff is going on?”

Sojiro immediately pointed to Futaba. “ _THIS_ IS WHAT THE ‘EFF’ IS GOING ON!”

Ryuji initially looked confused. Upon seeing Futaba’s tomato-faced blush alongside Shinobu’s equally-red complexion, the former-track team star’s mind raced with all the possibilities of why Sojiro could be so angry, until it all came crashing down like a Megidolaon spell.

And _that’s_ when hell broke loose.

“ _OH, SHIT! OH, SHIIIIIIIIT!_ ” Ryuji began cackling like a hyena, gripping onto Shinobu with a Cleshire Cat smile. “PFFFFFFT! _AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”_

 _Damn it, Ryuji. You fucking dumbass…_ Shinobu turned a bright shade of red as Ryuji continued to cackle. Granted, he supposed the situation could be so much worse… or at least he’d like to _think_ that. But alas, Anal Sex for Dummies proved to be a great source for preventing any harm to Futaba’s underdeveloped body, so the prospect of Sojiro murdering him would be the next worse thing.

And yet, somehow, it continued to _spiral out of control._

“ _NO!_ ” Ryuji cried, laughing continuously as he went down to the Leblanc Cafe floor. “THAT IS _NOT_ HAPPENING RIGHT NOW! _NO!_ ” And as if all of this couldn’t get even _more_ embarrassing, Shinobu heard Ryuji’s loud voice echo from downstairs.

“HEY ANN! YUSUKE! MAKOTO! HARU! EVERYONE!” Shinobu and Futaba cringed in horror upon hearing the easily-identifiable gasps and comments from the other Thieves downstairs. “SHINOBU FUCKED FUTABA! _SHINOBU ACTUALLY FUCKED FUTABA!”_

As both teenaged lovers felt ready to die of embarrassment, Sojiro fastened his glare directly at Shinobu’s. “Everytime he says that shit? That’s _another_ foot in your ass.”

“SHINOBU, DO YOU _HEAR ME?!_ ” Ryuji’s obnoxiously loud voice echoed upstairs. “ _THIS IS LITERALLY THE GREATEST THING EVER! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”_

And poor Futaba. Not only was the young, 15-year old girl ready to _die_ of embarrassment with how flushed she looks, but she looks ready to start sobbing uncontrollably from all the humiliation. Shinobu almost wanted to give his girlfriend a hug… _almost_ , if any further advances towards Futaba wouldn’t result in his messy, messy demise at the hands of an overprotective coffee dad which not even being Max Rank with would spare him a cruel and unusual death from.

“SHINOBU FUCKED FUTABA!” Ryuji continued to scream, his voice quickly evolving into a sing-along. “ _SHINOBU FUCKED FUTAAAAAAAABAAAAAAA! SHINOBU FUCKED FUTAAAAAAAABAAAAAAA!”_

 _“SHIT!”_ Ryuji finally ran upstairs, his hyperactivity rendering the two lovers blind from death by embarrassment. “YOU _ACTUALLY_ FUCKED FUTABA?! HOLY SHIT, SHINOBU, DO SOJIRO’S FACE WHEN HE FOUND OUT!”

He then proceeded to point at the _extremely_ furious cafe owner. “DO HIS ACTUAL FACE, SHINOBU! YOU BRAGGED TO _THAT FACE!_ ”

Ryuji then sat down at last, cackling all the while. “Holy _SHIT, congrats_ Shinobu… for _FUCKING Futaba! HOLY SHIT, THIS IS-”_

It took the slamming of Sojiro's coffee mug to reinstate order in the rowdy attic, and another _hateful_ glare from the coffee shop-owner to finally silence Ryuji.

“This…” Ryuji paused. “This actually isn’t all that funny.”

Awkward silence followed. Both lovers sat there with morbid embarrassment aflame on their cheeks, while Sojiro and Ryuji witnessed it all. It took a whole minute before the bespectacled delinquent spoke again.

“I, um…” Shinobu muttered. “...think it’s bizarre that she came up to my attic so we could-”

“... _I think it’s bizarre I haven’t chopped your motherfucking nuts off._ ” Sojiro gave another glare at Shinobu, silencing the Phantom Thief before Ryuji spoke up once more.

“Alright, let’s work out a compromise,” Ryuji smiled. “What if _you_ \- Sojiro - get to punch Shinobu in the face really, _really_ hard?”

Sojiro paused for a moment, before cracking a devilish grin. “No… I got something _way_ better.”

It was then he whipped out a taser, electrocuting Shinobu as his body flailed around. As the Wild Card’s mind slipped away into unconsciousness, Shinobu openly questioned his poor life decisions leading up to this point, such as equipping the weak-to-electric Silky Persona to max out the final bits of Makoto’s Confidant.

**Author's Note:**

> See, kids? _This_ is what happens when a young adult on vacation grows bored enough to write some crack while on a train with no internet. XD
> 
> And don’t worry to everyone eagerly anticipating the next chapter of Fall With The Petals; that _will_ come as soon as possible when I'm back home to America. I would just like to be able to look up script references in my own man-cave, not a hotel… Lol
> 
> Either way, see you all then!


End file.
